Real World

Sometimes I feel like a real strange in a stranger world.
I'm always searching for something that never comes...
I miss my teen years.I miss all those friends.I miss the sensation I was loved.
My adolescence was like heaven and hell mixed.I guess everybody's is but they used to say you would be fine when you grew up.Well, I grew up, but it didn't work.Did I miss something?What did I do wrong?
You know, I suffered as hell when I was about 14, 15.I was in a damn routine...painful routine that make me want to scream.Normal people would scream.Normal people would have yelled at their parents and acted like a rebel.But It was not me, I was always the one who choose suffer alone.The world has enough problems, why should I share those mine with the people outside?
I never was a problem child, or a problem teenager.While my friends were fucking up with their lives at 17, I was studying hard as hell.I was working hard.I guess the fact I started kinda work at 13 made me realize that there's no place for rebellion in my life.Then I was like a bomb.Ready to explode, my feelings were mixed, I was confuse, I was a Teenager, and I was alone.I had my friends, of course, but some of them were so childish and some of them just prefered to say I was just a the childish one...even though I felt more mature than they were.Always the same subjects...clothes, boys, make-up, parties, the other girl's clothes, clothes, parties, make-up, boys...and me among them, me, the bomb.The bomb ready to explode.


But now, I miss that routine.I miss that pain.Cause then I knew I was alive.I had some hope it would get better as everybody used to say.It Got better for a while, but then one more time, the damn real world came and pulled my leg, AGAIN.Oh, screw you, real world.I hate the real world.
And I'm still searching for something.
It's strange when I hear songs like "Linger" in the radio or when I come to realize I am a fan from a tv show from 1995, when some of my lil friends were not even born!These moments I think to myself, DAMMIT, I'M OLD!WHY THE YEARS GO SO FAST!!!!
When I was like 10 years now, the 80's used to seem so much time ago.Now I know my students think the same about the 90's, the time I lived my childhood.
Yes, my students.I still can't believe I'm a teacher now.Not the kind of teacher I used to hate when I was at highschool, I'm just an English Teacher.It is a good job, and I'm in the university now.Problably it's a thing that lots of people wish for their lives, a job and a place in a college.I've got it, and guess what, I'm not satisfied.
I think I can get no satisfaction from material things and that's why I have a big feeling of emptiness.The only moment this emptiness disapeared was when I met a person who I could say, really made me feel complete.But a year later, there was I again, alone.

Why is so difficult deal with love?Love is bitch, it really is.It's not sweet, nice, and fluffy like in the fiction.
Why can't I just love one of these people who love me.Who are always trying to get my attention.Why the human being always want what they can't get?
I could be with somebody now.I could be trying to be happy.But no, I just don't feel THE FEELING, for these people.
I guess my heart has been chained.It's been chained for more than two years now.I really tried to set it free.I tried to love new eyes, new smiles, new souls.But it wasn't there.The only soul who completed me once, wasn't there.And then I fell into pieces, because I admitted I was just deluding myself.
I miss the winter afternoons I spent daydreaming about you.I miss your voice saying everything would be alright when my world seemed to crash.I miss your soul entwined with mine...
When did I lose myself?